10 Unrealistic Resolutions I'm Making In 2019

I love a new years resolution. New Year New Me and new me is organised, works hard at the gym, doesn't eat chocolate as breakfast even on weekends and has a tidy living space. She is also a complete fabrication never to become a reality. But every year I make resolutions aiming to be this green smoothie drinking yoga fanatic. I've compiled a list of things that would be nice if I achieved this year but will most likely not happen.

1. Find out what the weird smell in the kitchen is, also in this bracket is ‘figure out why the hall light doesn’t turn on’ and ‘stop leaving empty wine bottles in the bathroom after treating yourself to a wine in the bath’ (also stop drinking)

2. Figure out where all the tube lines actually go. I’ve mastered some basics but still need city mapper and occasionally I take district when I need circle then have to sprint off at Earl’s Court because it’s going to West Kensington and I am not.

3. Win the battle against my wardrobe. Ever the bane of my life I have two full double wardrobes and new clothing for Campaigns coming in every week, yes I lead a truly traumatic life thank you for your sympathy! It’s not sustainable and I’m drowning in clothing, my local charity shop has stopped accepting clothing donations so I’m considering leaving the flat unlocked and putting a sign up saying ‘burglars welcome’ or plan B: slowly go insane over lack of storage space and burning it all in a dramatic scene.

4. Buy actual gym clothes. Seems strange that the next one is to buy more clothing however I have barely any fitness wear and my personal trainer made a mean comment about my cropped oversized tee.

5. Find out what I want from life- getting absolutely nowhere with this so far. I used to think just enjoying myself was enough but now fast approaching my twenty second year of fannying about being happy, I feel the need to search for more meaning. What that even means I haven’t the faintest idea.

6. Stop writing blog posts when sleep deprived. Currently writing this on my notes page in bed at 1am. Be more like Carrie Bradshaw and use a desk, maybe even put a plant on said desk- in relation to that try to keep a plant alive for more than a couple weeks.

7. Learn how to cook. Whenever tempted to reach for the takeaway menu or a ready meal that conveniently is ready in 2 minutes, take out recording of mother’s voice saying ‘ALEXANDRA!’ in a stern growl to encourage actual cooking.

8. Find a way to go viral in order to get a blue tick (start fake blogging drama? Say something offensive completely against my personality or actual beliefs in the name of fame?)

9. Stop being scared of builders and van men. I feel being frightened of them gives them the upper hand. Also London seems to be 98.6% builders and so avoiding shooting in front of them is becoming difficult.

10. Train the dog to close the door after itself. I keep seeing videos of dogs who can close doors and turn off lights, then I turn to B and say ‘why can’t you do that?????!!’

Follow on my instagram to see if I actually achieve anything this year.

Alexandra Em

Follow on Instagram @alexandra.em